CAUTION: Moaning entry ahead

I know, it seems as if I only write here when I'm bitching and moaning, or whining and crying about something, but the busyiness of the group from hell (see two entries down) has been keeping me from taking any moment of spare joy and using it to update this blog.

Why do I feel like everyone around me is distancing themselves from me? Friends and family alike - all have taken from me what they needed and are slowly backing away. My brother and sister both hardly speak to me, and if they do it's because they need or want something. I feel really used by them right now, and I don't know how to tell them that without them getting their backs up. My brother owes me a serious amount of money I lent him last year and I've yet to see a dime of it. Weekly promises are made to begin repayment, but five months later I'm still out over 4K. My sister came home from university for spring break and apart from visiting grandma in the hospital I've not seen her at all. I miss them, and I miss spending time with them. I know I'm a lot older than they are and that it may not be "cool" to hang out with me, but it doesn't lessen the hurt.

I also feel like one of my good friends is slipping away from me as well. Our communication the past couple of weeks has been much less frequent than in the past, and it seems as if he's been spoiling for a fight nearly every time we talk. I don't know what's going on there and I don't know how to fix it. I want things to return to normal but don't want to be clingy and whine to him about how we don't talk as often as I'm sure that'd have the opposite of the desired effect.

Ugh. Feeling quite low at the moment.

*UPDATE* 22 March 07
My sis came by last night to hang out and watch TV. She laid her man troubles on me and we had fun chatting and watching TV 'til midnight. So I feel a little better today.

Integrity and honesty

I pride myself on being an open and honest person, trusting and sincere, and loyal to friends and family. Those who are close to me know that I would never lie to them as I find dishonesty to be appalling and something that I consider to be one of the worst offenses you could commit. Additionally, I feel that my personal integrity is strong, and that it is rare that it is called into question, and never has it ever been proven that my integrity was less than stellar.

I'm not saying I'm super human or that I am perfect, nor am I chaste, I'm just saying that I hold myself to a higher standard when it comes to ethics and I hold those close to me at a similar level.

Today I had a disagreement with someone close to me, and it snowballed out of control. While names and details are not necessary, I feel the need to blog about it because it greatly upset me that someone as close to me as this person could ever think that I would do something to hurt them, intentionally or otherwise. As soon as I realized that comments I made were taken out of context I explained what I said and the intent behind my words. Further, when I explained how I meant no insult or injury in what I said it was perceived as further insult, which perplexed me. Nothing I could say or do would fix the situation unless I admitted my words were harsh and that I did mean what I said in a negative way, which I was not going to do, and wouldn't do for anyone. I was anxious to put the disagreement behind me but was not about to accept responsibility for something I did not do.

The next thing I know is that I was being blamed for trying to cover my tracks. Anyone who knows me knows that if I fuck up or make a mistake, I am the first to admit it. There's no sense in trying to deflect or deceive when its apparent you've done something stupid or said the wrong thing, and a person of integrity who doesn't admit when they're wrong really doesn't have that much integrity, do they?

In the end, the argument was resolved, my friend realized that they jumped to the wrong conclusion and apologized. I also apologized for any confusion I may have caused, even though I didn't think I did, and we left it at that. Yet it still bothered me greatly and I had to take a walk from my desk to clear my head and fight back the tears. After a little sob I pulled myself together and went back to work and finished my day.

As I sit here I am still upset over what happened. I thought this person knew me. I know they were having a bad day, and I was the target of their misdirected anger from the day, but it still hurt that they thought I would be hurtful to them then try to cover it up. I guess I still have a lot to learn about those I care for and I need to realize that people can be irrational and lash out at me, be it justified or not. My thick skin isn't as thick as I thought, I suppose.

Groups be damned!

This group is increasingly getting more annoying. There are 1200 people traveling and each of them thinks they're special and can bend the rules. Turn in your registration after the deadline. Why can't I? Change your travel dates once you've been issued airline tickets. I'm not paying for that! Change your guest. Again, I'm not paying for that! Sales people are aggressive, rude, condescending and demanding. Not at all what I'd be if I were getting a free, all-expense paid trip from my company. I guess I have more of a conscience, which is probably one of the reasons why I don't make a good salesman.

Nick and I are heading up to NH to visit his son this weekend, and I'm looking forward to seeing him. I had been tossing around staying home and taking advantage of the alone time, but I can do with a bit of Zac time as well. I love that boy as if he were my own, and Nick said he'd do the driving, so I can kick back in the car and rest. They had planned on going skiing this weekend but the boy went and got frostbite on his fingers, so that nixed that plan! Anyone have any ideas of things to do in Plymouth, NH? There's only so many times we can walk around Wal-Mart, which is literally one of the only things in town.

I really can't wait for spring to come. I've been enjoying the fact that it's been staying lighter outside longer, but this cold snap we've been in all month is really starting to work my nerves. Plus, with the snow this week my car is a salt covered mess, and we all know how anal I am about my car! I may stop on the way home from work and get the car rinsed off as I don't want it sitting around in that filth for too long. Anal? Probably. But it's my first new car. What more can you expect?

Long Overdue Update.....AGAIN

I know, I know, I said I'd be more frequent with entries, and I apologize. I've got to get myself in the habit again and make the time to put down my thoughts. It's cathartic in a way, and some of the comments I've received from people I don't know have been very nice. That's not to say I'm doing this for the recognition, but it does give you an extra incentive to write more often.

With that said, I must start with my trip with Nick to the UK last month. It was so much fun! It was our first time to Europe together, and the both of us had been to London several times before, but neither of us had ever ventured outside London. We took 10 days and visited London, Newcastle, Edinburgh and Manchester, all of which were fantastic. I loved seeing all of the new places with Nick, exploring ancient castles, riding through the countryside on trains, experiencing life in Britain outside London.

We also got to meet up with a dear friend and my "little brother" Conor. It was awesome to finally meet in person after developing our friendship online and on the phone. What a great time we had together! He and Nick hit it off as well, which pleased me very much. I was nervous about meeting him because sometimes online friends are very different in person, but that wasn't the case with Conor. He's coming to the US in June for the first time so it will be great to show him around Long Island and New York City. He's very excited about coming over, as am I!

New Year's came and went with little fanfare. Nick and I decided to go low-key this year, so we chilled a bottle of Moet and at 10 to midnight went into the outdoor hot tub in the back yard, popped open the bottle, and toasted in the New Year under the stars. It was divine! And of course, it was romantic and beautiful spending it with my handsome man.

Speaking of, he gave me quite a scare last Saturday. We were watching TV, and he got up to go to the bathroom. Everything was fine, and a few minutes later I heard a loud *thud*. I ran in to find him on the floor with his head on the side of the tub, having a seizure. I was HORRIFIED to say the least, but tried to keep my cool. I tried to talk to him but it was no good - he just continued to seize and blankly stared off into space. I grabbed the phone to dial 911, but by the time they answered he came to and said, "NO, no ambulance!" I hung up and he was completely disoriented and didn't know what happened.

I got him to the bed and he laid down and he was extremely lethargic and still quite disoriented. He didn't know what happened, and when I told him he didn't remember anything except it getting a little fuzzy before he blacked out. I wanted him to go to the ER because this has never happened before, but he was refusing. I then told him he had a choice of either going in our car or in an ambulance, but that he WAS going. He chose the car. Wise choice. :)

We got to the hospital around 8:30PM and was there until 4am. They ran test after test, and fortunately(?) found nothing wrong. The first doctor told us that the seizure could have been caused by his head hitting the tub, but that he should see a neurologist to be sure. After the rest of the tests came back negative they still wanted him to see a neurologist to be sure, but Mr. Stubborn Pants won't go. He is going with the first doctor's analysis and said that if it happened again he'll go. My concern is that it could happen again at a most inopportune time, like when he's driving, or in the shower, or somewhere else that could be potentially dangerous. I worry about him so much - he's the love of my life, and I couldn't bear thinking that something horrible happened that could've been prevented, or at the very least, managed properly.

This month is going to be extremely hectic at work. We're bringing 1300 people to Freeport in the Bahamas at the end of March and we're in full production mode. There's tons of work to be done, so long hours will be spent making sure every detail is completed and nothing overlooked. There will be frayed nerves, many arguments among us, and maybe even a nervous breakdown or two, but this group is our bread and butter and we have to make sure it goes off without a hitch. Fortunately, we have a new person on staff who has extensive group experience, so having her here definitely helps. I'm looking forward to going to Freeport and making sure everything goes well. It's very rewarding once we're there to have so many people come up to us and thank us for a job well done. Somehow, all the drama leading up to the event seems worth it. At least the money is.... :)

I now understand my dad, sorta

Without going into too much detail, my dad and I had quite a rough relationship when I was growing up, and as a result, we stopped talking for close to ten years. Thankfully we've reconciled in the past few and have developed a good friendship, but I'm not so sure I see him as a father figure. Hell, its still tough for me to say "I love you" to him because for me, saying those words implies that you mean it, and I don't know if I really mean it. I care about him a lot, but after 10 years it's kind of hard to just jump back in to the whole father/son thing.

But I digress.

Two weeks ago Nick and I went to visit Zachary in his new home up in New Hampshire. It's absolutely beautiful up there. Mountains, fresh air, lots of nature. Everything the boy loves. He's extremely happy there, and loves his new school, which by the way is far better than his old one. The only thing is, its an extra THREE hours drive in each direction. Before they moved, his mother and Nick talked about it and she had agreed to meet us 1/2 way and lessen the travel time, not to mention our expenses as we now have to get a hotel to go visit whereas before we always stayed with friends. Once they moved Nick wanted to give the mother some time to settle in before talking to her about the logistics of our visits. I said it would be better if he got it out in the open right away, but he disagreed, so since its his call, I stayed quiet.

However, now that they're two months into their new home its time. At least I think so. He wants to wait. We had a H U G E discussion about it in the car ride on the way home, and I got really upset because I think she takes advantage of Nick. Mind you, she's a wonderful mother to Zachary -- she'd do anything to ensure his happiness -- but there are times where I think she's being selfish, and that's just not right. I find myself getting upset over things she does and I am conflicted. On the one hand I think I have no right to get upset because Zac isn't my flesh and blood, but on the other, I love him as much as if he were.

It was at this point where I started thinking about my childhood and how my dad reacted to things my mom did after their divorce. She was (and still is) an excellent mom, but I know she wasn't innocent in all of their drama. Mind you, she kept me as far removed from it as possible, whereas my dad always threw it in my face. I understand how my dad could've been frustrated at the situation, and being a single dad without custody must've been extremely hard, emotionally and mentally. Although I would never pull the stunts he did when I was young.

So dad, I now have a better understanding of what you went through as I was growing up. Not that I excuse some of the horrible things you did, but I can understand what drove you to do those things.

My OTHER little brothers

In addition to my biological family I've "adopted" a few guys from an online gay forum that I moderate. These three guys have become very special to me and I adore them very much. They're all in their 20's, are very smart and have earned a place in my heart as my "little brothers from other mothers".

First, there's Matt. Matt and I met online nearly three years ago. Growing up in a large family in the deep recesses of Mississippi hasn't really afforded Matt the type of gay life one should experience. When he and I first started talking he couldn't even admit to himself that he was gay, but over time and lots of chatting both online and on the phone, he was able to finally look at himself in the mirror and say "I'm a gay man." Since then he's come out to everyone he knows and they've all been very supportive of him. I couldn't be prouder of the fine young man he's turning into! Matt is a funny guy, and when he and I get on a roll, we are constantly laughing at one another. He's a great friend and I look forward to meeting him in real life some day.

Next is Graham. Graham and I also met on the same website about two years ago. Graham lives in South Carolina, is a web developer, strikingly handsome and a bit shy. He's got a BIG heart and is looking for love but for some reason the men he meets always seem to break his heart. I ache for him each time he aches because he's such a sweet guy and has so much love to offer someone. My wish for him is that he finds someone who is worthy of his love and doesn't take advantage of his kindness, someone who will return the vast amount of love he showers on them.

And finally, but certainly not in the very least in last place, is Conor. Conor and I began talking earlier this year, again on the same website, and from the first chat we had we hit it off like best buds. Conor lives in the north of England, is a very sage 23 year old, with a wicked sense of humor and also has a huge heart. I love all three of these guys but Conor holds a special place in my heart because I truly do think of him like a little brother. He looks to me for advice, and I've gone to him for guidance as well, and we complement each other in many ways. It's very rare to find someone you can completely trust and confide in, and Conor's become one of those people in my life. Thanks to Vonage we're able to chat on the phone for free, so we call each other from time to time and talk for ages. He's drunk dialed me a few times, which is always a riot, and he's talked to Nick, my sister Maria and my mom a few times, and they all can't wait to meet him. Nick and I are going to England in December where he'll meet up with us in London with a few of my other British friends and then we'll go off to Newcastle and Manchester together. Then next June he's coming here for 10 days and we'll show him around NY and Long Island.

So there you have it -- my extended family. Some people will say "oh, online relationships aren't real relationships because people act differently online." That may be true if you're looking for love and fall in love online, but these guys are my friends and we not only chat online, but we also talk on the phone which is hard to cover up anything you might not want to let out.
And besides, we're not looking for anything other than friendship from each other, so there's no hidden agendas. They're my boys, plain and simple. I love you guys!

We're on the move...

This past weekend Nick and I moved house.

My dad owns the house next door to him, and my ex-sister-in-law moved out at the beginning of August. He had hoped to move my 86 year old grandmother in to help take care of her, but being the stubborn old bird she is, decided to stay in her own house. So Nick and I thought, "why not us???" After a little negotiating, we decided to go for it. The rent is MUCH cheaper than our apartment, and although its a small SMALL house, its a house and not an apartment. No more noisy neighbors slamming up and down stairs. No more loud TVs and stereos. Plus, we gain a HUGE yard with horses in the back, and our dog Emma can run around as she pleases.
It's great. We've managed to cram most of our things into this tiny house, but we're still living out of boxes until we completely unpack. Since our older GINORMOUS sectional couch didn't fit we bought a much smaller one which is gorgeous. I can't stretch out on it because I'm too tall, but its good nonetheless, and we have a recliner with footstool that I've been using to stretch out.

It's odd having a house now. There's so much more responsibility than an apartment. Dad and I talked about what we'd cover and what he'd take care of, and for the rent we're paying its quite the equitable deal for us. We bought a new stove and had gas installed since the old one was electric. We've replaced a few doors in the house and are redoing the floor in the entrance. But dad completely remodeled the kitchen himself. New countertop, new floor and beautiful new stone tile on the wall.

What's also good is that I'm closer to my brothers and sister, which I've been really looking forward to. Especially my youngest brother Anthony. He and I have really bonded a lot lately and we've spent a lot of time together. He's been a huge help with the move and all the remodeling we've been doing, and even came over when we weren't there to help paint. He's such a great brother!

This will be a good test for us to see if we can hack it in a house and dealing with all that having one throws at you. If we can make this work, then I see no problem in us buying our own house in a few years. But I get ahead of myself.....