I now understand my dad, sorta

Without going into too much detail, my dad and I had quite a rough relationship when I was growing up, and as a result, we stopped talking for close to ten years. Thankfully we've reconciled in the past few and have developed a good friendship, but I'm not so sure I see him as a father figure. Hell, its still tough for me to say "I love you" to him because for me, saying those words implies that you mean it, and I don't know if I really mean it. I care about him a lot, but after 10 years it's kind of hard to just jump back in to the whole father/son thing.

But I digress.

Two weeks ago Nick and I went to visit Zachary in his new home up in New Hampshire. It's absolutely beautiful up there. Mountains, fresh air, lots of nature. Everything the boy loves. He's extremely happy there, and loves his new school, which by the way is far better than his old one. The only thing is, its an extra THREE hours drive in each direction. Before they moved, his mother and Nick talked about it and she had agreed to meet us 1/2 way and lessen the travel time, not to mention our expenses as we now have to get a hotel to go visit whereas before we always stayed with friends. Once they moved Nick wanted to give the mother some time to settle in before talking to her about the logistics of our visits. I said it would be better if he got it out in the open right away, but he disagreed, so since its his call, I stayed quiet.

However, now that they're two months into their new home its time. At least I think so. He wants to wait. We had a H U G E discussion about it in the car ride on the way home, and I got really upset because I think she takes advantage of Nick. Mind you, she's a wonderful mother to Zachary -- she'd do anything to ensure his happiness -- but there are times where I think she's being selfish, and that's just not right. I find myself getting upset over things she does and I am conflicted. On the one hand I think I have no right to get upset because Zac isn't my flesh and blood, but on the other, I love him as much as if he were.

It was at this point where I started thinking about my childhood and how my dad reacted to things my mom did after their divorce. She was (and still is) an excellent mom, but I know she wasn't innocent in all of their drama. Mind you, she kept me as far removed from it as possible, whereas my dad always threw it in my face. I understand how my dad could've been frustrated at the situation, and being a single dad without custody must've been extremely hard, emotionally and mentally. Although I would never pull the stunts he did when I was young.

So dad, I now have a better understanding of what you went through as I was growing up. Not that I excuse some of the horrible things you did, but I can understand what drove you to do those things.