Oh brother, part deux

So last Thursday my sister Maria calls me and invites me to the movies to see Jarhead with her and her boyfriend. Since Nick was out of town on business, and the fact that I can't pass up the opportunity to see Jake Gyllenhaal's ass, I met them at the theater.


Don't you wish you were on the set that day of filming?

Anyway, we get to the theater, and Maria says "did you hear the latest about Jim and Kat?"

"No", I cautiously replied.

She deadpans, "They're engaged."

I nearly soiled myself.

"What the fuck is wrong with him?" I shrieked in the middle of the lobby, not realizing how loud and queeny I just flamed out. As I toned it down, the disbelief settled in, and we both just shook our heads, wondering what the hell he's thinking (or not thinking, as it turns out.)

On Sunday Maria called me to go horseback riding with her (she has two horses and a pony -- she LOVES horses, and has loved them since she could crawl.) While out riding, she told me she finally met Kat. I asked her how it went, and she said she was really frosty to her. Apparently, when Maria showed up at the door Kat got jealous for some reason (my sister is stunningly gorgeous, so I could understand why, but FUCKING HELL -- it's his SISTER!!) She was sweet in front of Jim, but the moment he left the room she said to Maria, "umm, we were watching a show before you showed up, so, you can go shopping now."

BITCH, hold my earrings, hold my purse, and the Lee Press On nails are comin' off.

I couldn't believe this little twit spoke to my sister that way. Who the fuck does she think she is? All I know is, the moment she sasses me I will go up one side of her and down the other, and she won't know what hit her. And God, my brother -- thinking with his dick, always a bad thing to do.

Thanksgiving is 9 days away -- stay tuned for the fireworks. Not only will there be interesting conversations, but I'm sure grandma will make some off-handed comment that will make the table either erupt in laughter, or shrink back in embarrassment. Either way, it will make for the most fantastic blog entry to date.

Oh brother!

My brother may be making a big mistake.

I love him to death, but sometimes I just want to beat him to death. He's divorced with two kids, and shortly after his divorce he began seeing this girl he met in Nicaragua. Can anyone smell a rebound relationship? Anyway, he began going down there monthly to see her, each time coming home telling me how great she is.

Fast forward to this past weekend.

I get a phonecall on Saturday from Managua. "Mike, can you get (insert girlfriend's name here) a ticket to come up to NY on Thursday?" Since I was in the car, I told him to email me the details, which he did. But he didn't include the date of her return. So I asked him when was she going back, and he said she wasn't.

*DANGER WILL ROBINSON....DANGER!!*

Apparently, he's sponsoring a visa for her to come here and live. When asked why he would do such a thing, he said her parents were trying to get her one but that it was taking too long. I asked him what the rush was, and he said he just wanted to get her here ASAP. I then inquired as to what she would be doing while she was here, and he said she was going to go to school.

Do you see where I'm going with all of this?

He said he was footing the bill. I laughed and said "WHY?" To which he started to give me a lame argument paralleling my relationship with Nick. It wasn't working.

I know my family is going to shit themselves when they see this chick for the first time. All I know is, Thanksgiving is going to be mighty interesting, that's for damned sure! AND, as the oldest brother it will be my duty and honor to take this chippie aside and give her the "if you take advantage of my brother and hurt him...." speech.