CAUTION: Moaning entry ahead

I know, it seems as if I only write here when I'm bitching and moaning, or whining and crying about something, but the busyiness of the group from hell (see two entries down) has been keeping me from taking any moment of spare joy and using it to update this blog.

Why do I feel like everyone around me is distancing themselves from me? Friends and family alike - all have taken from me what they needed and are slowly backing away. My brother and sister both hardly speak to me, and if they do it's because they need or want something. I feel really used by them right now, and I don't know how to tell them that without them getting their backs up. My brother owes me a serious amount of money I lent him last year and I've yet to see a dime of it. Weekly promises are made to begin repayment, but five months later I'm still out over 4K. My sister came home from university for spring break and apart from visiting grandma in the hospital I've not seen her at all. I miss them, and I miss spending time with them. I know I'm a lot older than they are and that it may not be "cool" to hang out with me, but it doesn't lessen the hurt.

I also feel like one of my good friends is slipping away from me as well. Our communication the past couple of weeks has been much less frequent than in the past, and it seems as if he's been spoiling for a fight nearly every time we talk. I don't know what's going on there and I don't know how to fix it. I want things to return to normal but don't want to be clingy and whine to him about how we don't talk as often as I'm sure that'd have the opposite of the desired effect.

Ugh. Feeling quite low at the moment.

*UPDATE* 22 March 07
My sis came by last night to hang out and watch TV. She laid her man troubles on me and we had fun chatting and watching TV 'til midnight. So I feel a little better today.

Integrity and honesty

I pride myself on being an open and honest person, trusting and sincere, and loyal to friends and family. Those who are close to me know that I would never lie to them as I find dishonesty to be appalling and something that I consider to be one of the worst offenses you could commit. Additionally, I feel that my personal integrity is strong, and that it is rare that it is called into question, and never has it ever been proven that my integrity was less than stellar.

I'm not saying I'm super human or that I am perfect, nor am I chaste, I'm just saying that I hold myself to a higher standard when it comes to ethics and I hold those close to me at a similar level.

Today I had a disagreement with someone close to me, and it snowballed out of control. While names and details are not necessary, I feel the need to blog about it because it greatly upset me that someone as close to me as this person could ever think that I would do something to hurt them, intentionally or otherwise. As soon as I realized that comments I made were taken out of context I explained what I said and the intent behind my words. Further, when I explained how I meant no insult or injury in what I said it was perceived as further insult, which perplexed me. Nothing I could say or do would fix the situation unless I admitted my words were harsh and that I did mean what I said in a negative way, which I was not going to do, and wouldn't do for anyone. I was anxious to put the disagreement behind me but was not about to accept responsibility for something I did not do.

The next thing I know is that I was being blamed for trying to cover my tracks. Anyone who knows me knows that if I fuck up or make a mistake, I am the first to admit it. There's no sense in trying to deflect or deceive when its apparent you've done something stupid or said the wrong thing, and a person of integrity who doesn't admit when they're wrong really doesn't have that much integrity, do they?

In the end, the argument was resolved, my friend realized that they jumped to the wrong conclusion and apologized. I also apologized for any confusion I may have caused, even though I didn't think I did, and we left it at that. Yet it still bothered me greatly and I had to take a walk from my desk to clear my head and fight back the tears. After a little sob I pulled myself together and went back to work and finished my day.

As I sit here I am still upset over what happened. I thought this person knew me. I know they were having a bad day, and I was the target of their misdirected anger from the day, but it still hurt that they thought I would be hurtful to them then try to cover it up. I guess I still have a lot to learn about those I care for and I need to realize that people can be irrational and lash out at me, be it justified or not. My thick skin isn't as thick as I thought, I suppose.