Integrity and honesty

I pride myself on being an open and honest person, trusting and sincere, and loyal to friends and family. Those who are close to me know that I would never lie to them as I find dishonesty to be appalling and something that I consider to be one of the worst offenses you could commit. Additionally, I feel that my personal integrity is strong, and that it is rare that it is called into question, and never has it ever been proven that my integrity was less than stellar.

I'm not saying I'm super human or that I am perfect, nor am I chaste, I'm just saying that I hold myself to a higher standard when it comes to ethics and I hold those close to me at a similar level.

Today I had a disagreement with someone close to me, and it snowballed out of control. While names and details are not necessary, I feel the need to blog about it because it greatly upset me that someone as close to me as this person could ever think that I would do something to hurt them, intentionally or otherwise. As soon as I realized that comments I made were taken out of context I explained what I said and the intent behind my words. Further, when I explained how I meant no insult or injury in what I said it was perceived as further insult, which perplexed me. Nothing I could say or do would fix the situation unless I admitted my words were harsh and that I did mean what I said in a negative way, which I was not going to do, and wouldn't do for anyone. I was anxious to put the disagreement behind me but was not about to accept responsibility for something I did not do.

The next thing I know is that I was being blamed for trying to cover my tracks. Anyone who knows me knows that if I fuck up or make a mistake, I am the first to admit it. There's no sense in trying to deflect or deceive when its apparent you've done something stupid or said the wrong thing, and a person of integrity who doesn't admit when they're wrong really doesn't have that much integrity, do they?

In the end, the argument was resolved, my friend realized that they jumped to the wrong conclusion and apologized. I also apologized for any confusion I may have caused, even though I didn't think I did, and we left it at that. Yet it still bothered me greatly and I had to take a walk from my desk to clear my head and fight back the tears. After a little sob I pulled myself together and went back to work and finished my day.

As I sit here I am still upset over what happened. I thought this person knew me. I know they were having a bad day, and I was the target of their misdirected anger from the day, but it still hurt that they thought I would be hurtful to them then try to cover it up. I guess I still have a lot to learn about those I care for and I need to realize that people can be irrational and lash out at me, be it justified or not. My thick skin isn't as thick as I thought, I suppose.