Gay Man Walking

CAUTION: Moaning entry ahead

2007-03-21T16:50:00.000-04:00

I know, it seems as if I only write here when I'm bitching and moaning, or whining and crying about something, but the busyiness of the group from hell (see two entries down) has been keeping me from taking any moment of spare joy and using it to update this blog.

Why do I feel like everyone around me is distancing themselves from me? Friends and family alike - all have taken from me what they needed and are slowly backing away. My brother and sister both hardly speak to me, and if they do it's because they need or want something. I feel really used by them right now, and I don't know how to tell them that without them getting their backs up. My brother owes me a serious amount of money I lent him last year and I've yet to see a dime of it. Weekly promises are made to begin repayment, but five months later I'm still out over 4K. My sister came home from university for spring break and apart from visiting grandma in the hospital I've not seen her at all. I miss them, and I miss spending time with them. I know I'm a lot older than they are and that it may not be "cool" to hang out with me, but it doesn't lessen the hurt.

I also feel like one of my good friends is slipping away from me as well. Our communication the past couple of weeks has been much less frequent than in the past, and it seems as if he's been spoiling for a fight nearly every time we talk. I don't know what's going on there and I don't know how to fix it. I want things to return to normal but don't want to be clingy and whine to him about how we don't talk as often as I'm sure that'd have the opposite of the desired effect.

Ugh. Feeling quite low at the moment.

*UPDATE* 22 March 07
My sis came by last night to hang out and watch TV. She laid her man troubles on me and we had fun chatting and watching TV 'til midnight. So I feel a little better today.

Integrity and honesty

2007-03-12T18:26:00.000-04:00

I pride myself on being an open and honest person, trusting and sincere, and loyal to friends and family. Those who are close to me know that I would never lie to them as I find dishonesty to be appalling and something that I consider to be one of the worst offenses you could commit. Additionally, I feel that my personal integrity is strong, and that it is rare that it is called into question, and never has it ever been proven that my integrity was less than stellar.

I'm not saying I'm super human or that I am perfect, nor am I chaste, I'm just saying that I hold myself to a higher standard when it comes to ethics and I hold those close to me at a similar level.

Today I had a disagreement with someone close to me, and it snowballed out of control. While names and details are not necessary, I feel the need to blog about it because it greatly upset me that someone as close to me as this person could ever think that I would do something to hurt them, intentionally or otherwise. As soon as I realized that comments I made were taken out of context I explained what I said and the intent behind my words. Further, when I explained how I meant no insult or injury in what I said it was perceived as further insult, which perplexed me. Nothing I could say or do would fix the situation unless I admitted my words were harsh and that I did mean what I said in a negative way, which I was not going to do, and wouldn't do for anyone. I was anxious to put the disagreement behind me but was not about to accept responsibility for something I did not do.

The next thing I know is that I was being blamed for trying to cover my tracks. Anyone who knows me knows that if I fuck up or make a mistake, I am the first to admit it. There's no sense in trying to deflect or deceive when its apparent you've done something stupid or said the wrong thing, and a person of integrity who doesn't admit when they're wrong really doesn't have that much integrity, do they?

In the end, the argument was resolved, my friend realized that they jumped to the wrong conclusion and apologized. I also apologized for any confusion I may have caused, even though I didn't think I did, and we left it at that. Yet it still bothered me greatly and I had to take a walk from my desk to clear my head and fight back the tears. After a little sob I pulled myself together and went back to work and finished my day.

As I sit here I am still upset over what happened. I thought this person knew me. I know they were having a bad day, and I was the target of their misdirected anger from the day, but it still hurt that they thought I would be hurtful to them then try to cover it up. I guess I still have a lot to learn about those I care for and I need to realize that people can be irrational and lash out at me, be it justified or not. My thick skin isn't as thick as I thought, I suppose.

Groups be damned!

2007-02-16T13:08:00.000-05:00

This group is increasingly getting more annoying. There are 1200 people traveling and each of them thinks they're special and can bend the rules. Turn in your registration after the deadline. Why can't I? Change your travel dates once you've been issued airline tickets. I'm not paying for that! Change your guest. Again, I'm not paying for that! Sales people are aggressive, rude, condescending and demanding. Not at all what I'd be if I were getting a free, all-expense paid trip from my company. I guess I have more of a conscience, which is probably one of the reasons why I don't make a good salesman.

Nick and I are heading up to NH to visit his son this weekend, and I'm looking forward to seeing him. I had been tossing around staying home and taking advantage of the alone time, but I can do with a bit of Zac time as well. I love that boy as if he were my own, and Nick said he'd do the driving, so I can kick back in the car and rest. They had planned on going skiing this weekend but the boy went and got frostbite on his fingers, so that nixed that plan! Anyone have any ideas of things to do in Plymouth, NH? There's only so many times we can walk around Wal-Mart, which is literally one of the only things in town.

I really can't wait for spring to come. I've been enjoying the fact that it's been staying lighter outside longer, but this cold snap we've been in all month is really starting to work my nerves. Plus, with the snow this week my car is a salt covered mess, and we all know how anal I am about my car! I may stop on the way home from work and get the car rinsed off as I don't want it sitting around in that filth for too long. Anal? Probably. But it's my first new car. What more can you expect?

Long Overdue Update.....AGAIN

2007-02-01T17:12:00.000-05:00

I know, I know, I said I'd be more frequent with entries, and I apologize. I've got to get myself in the habit again and make the time to put down my thoughts. It's cathartic in a way, and some of the comments I've received from people I don't know have been very nice. That's not to say I'm doing this for the recognition, but it does give you an extra incentive to write more often.

With that said, I must start with my trip with Nick to the UK last month. It was so much fun! It was our first time to Europe together, and the both of us had been to London several times before, but neither of us had ever ventured outside London. We took 10 days and visited London, Newcastle, Edinburgh and Manchester, all of which were fantastic. I loved seeing all of the new places with Nick, exploring ancient castles, riding through the countryside on trains, experiencing life in Britain outside London.

We also got to meet up with a dear friend and my "little brother" Conor. It was awesome to finally meet in person after developing our friendship online and on the phone. What a great time we had together! He and Nick hit it off as well, which pleased me very much. I was nervous about meeting him because sometimes online friends are very different in person, but that wasn't the case with Conor. He's coming to the US in June for the first time so it will be great to show him around Long Island and New York City. He's very excited about coming over, as am I!

New Year's came and went with little fanfare. Nick and I decided to go low-key this year, so we chilled a bottle of Moet and at 10 to midnight went into the outdoor hot tub in the back yard, popped open the bottle, and toasted in the New Year under the stars. It was divine! And of course, it was romantic and beautiful spending it with my handsome man.

Speaking of, he gave me quite a scare last Saturday. We were watching TV, and he got up to go to the bathroom. Everything was fine, and a few minutes later I heard a loud *thud*. I ran in to find him on the floor with his head on the side of the tub, having a seizure. I was HORRIFIED to say the least, but tried to keep my cool. I tried to talk to him but it was no good - he just continued to seize and blankly stared off into space. I grabbed the phone to dial 911, but by the time they answered he came to and said, "NO, no ambulance!" I hung up and he was completely disoriented and didn't know what happened.

I got him to the bed and he laid down and he was extremely lethargic and still quite disoriented. He didn't know what happened, and when I told him he didn't remember anything except it getting a little fuzzy before he blacked out. I wanted him to go to the ER because this has never happened before, but he was refusing. I then told him he had a choice of either going in our car or in an ambulance, but that he WAS going. He chose the car. Wise choice. :)

We got to the hospital around 8:30PM and was there until 4am. They ran test after test, and fortunately(?) found nothing wrong. The first doctor told us that the seizure could have been caused by his head hitting the tub, but that he should see a neurologist to be sure. After the rest of the tests came back negative they still wanted him to see a neurologist to be sure, but Mr. Stubborn Pants won't go. He is going with the first doctor's analysis and said that if it happened again he'll go. My concern is that it could happen again at a most inopportune time, like when he's driving, or in the shower, or somewhere else that could be potentially dangerous. I worry about him so much - he's the love of my life, and I couldn't bear thinking that something horrible happened that could've been prevented, or at the very least, managed properly.

This month is going to be extremely hectic at work. We're bringing 1300 people to Freeport in the Bahamas at the end of March and we're in full production mode. There's tons of work to be done, so long hours will be spent making sure every detail is completed and nothing overlooked. There will be frayed nerves, many arguments among us, and maybe even a nervous breakdown or two, but this group is our bread and butter and we have to make sure it goes off without a hitch. Fortunately, we have a new person on staff who has extensive group experience, so having her here definitely helps. I'm looking forward to going to Freeport and making sure everything goes well. It's very rewarding once we're there to have so many people come up to us and thank us for a job well done. Somehow, all the drama leading up to the event seems worth it. At least the money is.... :)

I now understand my dad, sorta

2006-10-03T13:11:00.000-04:00

Without going into too much detail, my dad and I had quite a rough relationship when I was growing up, and as a result, we stopped talking for close to ten years. Thankfully we've reconciled in the past few and have developed a good friendship, but I'm not so sure I see him as a father figure. Hell, its still tough for me to say "I love you" to him because for me, saying those words implies that you mean it, and I don't know if I really mean it. I care about him a lot, but after 10 years it's kind of hard to just jump back in to the whole father/son thing.

But I digress.

Two weeks ago Nick and I went to visit Zachary in his new home up in New Hampshire. It's absolutely beautiful up there. Mountains, fresh air, lots of nature. Everything the boy loves. He's extremely happy there, and loves his new school, which by the way is far better than his old one. The only thing is, its an extra THREE hours drive in each direction. Before they moved, his mother and Nick talked about it and she had agreed to meet us 1/2 way and lessen the travel time, not to mention our expenses as we now have to get a hotel to go visit whereas before we always stayed with friends. Once they moved Nick wanted to give the mother some time to settle in before talking to her about the logistics of our visits. I said it would be better if he got it out in the open right away, but he disagreed, so since its his call, I stayed quiet.

However, now that they're two months into their new home its time. At least I think so. He wants to wait. We had a H U G E discussion about it in the car ride on the way home, and I got really upset because I think she takes advantage of Nick. Mind you, she's a wonderful mother to Zachary -- she'd do anything to ensure his happiness -- but there are times where I think she's being selfish, and that's just not right. I find myself getting upset over things she does and I am conflicted. On the one hand I think I have no right to get upset because Zac isn't my flesh and blood, but on the other, I love him as much as if he were.

It was at this point where I started thinking about my childhood and how my dad reacted to things my mom did after their divorce. She was (and still is) an excellent mom, but I know she wasn't innocent in all of their drama. Mind you, she kept me as far removed from it as possible, whereas my dad always threw it in my face. I understand how my dad could've been frustrated at the situation, and being a single dad without custody must've been extremely hard, emotionally and mentally. Although I would never pull the stunts he did when I was young.

So dad, I now have a better understanding of what you went through as I was growing up. Not that I excuse some of the horrible things you did, but I can understand what drove you to do those things.

My OTHER little brothers

2006-09-28T11:30:00.000-04:00

In addition to my biological family I've "adopted" a few guys from an online gay forum that I moderate. These three guys have become very special to me and I adore them very much. They're all in their 20's, are very smart and have earned a place in my heart as my "little brothers from other mothers".

First, there's Matt. Matt and I met online nearly three years ago. Growing up in a large family in the deep recesses of Mississippi hasn't really afforded Matt the type of gay life one should experience. When he and I first started talking he couldn't even admit to himself that he was gay, but over time and lots of chatting both online and on the phone, he was able to finally look at himself in the mirror and say "I'm a gay man." Since then he's come out to everyone he knows and they've all been very supportive of him. I couldn't be prouder of the fine young man he's turning into! Matt is a funny guy, and when he and I get on a roll, we are constantly laughing at one another. He's a great friend and I look forward to meeting him in real life some day.

Next is Graham. Graham and I also met on the same website about two years ago. Graham lives in South Carolina, is a web developer, strikingly handsome and a bit shy. He's got a BIG heart and is looking for love but for some reason the men he meets always seem to break his heart. I ache for him each time he aches because he's such a sweet guy and has so much love to offer someone. My wish for him is that he finds someone who is worthy of his love and doesn't take advantage of his kindness, someone who will return the vast amount of love he showers on them.

And finally, but certainly not in the very least in last place, is Conor. Conor and I began talking earlier this year, again on the same website, and from the first chat we had we hit it off like best buds. Conor lives in the north of England, is a very sage 23 year old, with a wicked sense of humor and also has a huge heart. I love all three of these guys but Conor holds a special place in my heart because I truly do think of him like a little brother. He looks to me for advice, and I've gone to him for guidance as well, and we complement each other in many ways. It's very rare to find someone you can completely trust and confide in, and Conor's become one of those people in my life. Thanks to Vonage we're able to chat on the phone for free, so we call each other from time to time and talk for ages. He's drunk dialed me a few times, which is always a riot, and he's talked to Nick, my sister Maria and my mom a few times, and they all can't wait to meet him. Nick and I are going to England in December where he'll meet up with us in London with a few of my other British friends and then we'll go off to Newcastle and Manchester together. Then next June he's coming here for 10 days and we'll show him around NY and Long Island.

So there you have it -- my extended family. Some people will say "oh, online relationships aren't real relationships because people act differently online." That may be true if you're looking for love and fall in love online, but these guys are my friends and we not only chat online, but we also talk on the phone which is hard to cover up anything you might not want to let out.
And besides, we're not looking for anything other than friendship from each other, so there's no hidden agendas. They're my boys, plain and simple. I love you guys!

We're on the move...

2006-09-21T11:35:00.000-04:00

This past weekend Nick and I moved house.

My dad owns the house next door to him, and my ex-sister-in-law moved out at the beginning of August. He had hoped to move my 86 year old grandmother in to help take care of her, but being the stubborn old bird she is, decided to stay in her own house. So Nick and I thought, "why not us???" After a little negotiating, we decided to go for it. The rent is MUCH cheaper than our apartment, and although its a small SMALL house, its a house and not an apartment. No more noisy neighbors slamming up and down stairs. No more loud TVs and stereos. Plus, we gain a HUGE yard with horses in the back, and our dog Emma can run around as she pleases.
It's great. We've managed to cram most of our things into this tiny house, but we're still living out of boxes until we completely unpack. Since our older GINORMOUS sectional couch didn't fit we bought a much smaller one which is gorgeous. I can't stretch out on it because I'm too tall, but its good nonetheless, and we have a recliner with footstool that I've been using to stretch out.

It's odd having a house now. There's so much more responsibility than an apartment. Dad and I talked about what we'd cover and what he'd take care of, and for the rent we're paying its quite the equitable deal for us. We bought a new stove and had gas installed since the old one was electric. We've replaced a few doors in the house and are redoing the floor in the entrance. But dad completely remodeled the kitchen himself. New countertop, new floor and beautiful new stone tile on the wall.

What's also good is that I'm closer to my brothers and sister, which I've been really looking forward to. Especially my youngest brother Anthony. He and I have really bonded a lot lately and we've spent a lot of time together. He's been a huge help with the move and all the remodeling we've been doing, and even came over when we weren't there to help paint. He's such a great brother!

This will be a good test for us to see if we can hack it in a house and dealing with all that having one throws at you. If we can make this work, then I see no problem in us buying our own house in a few years. But I get ahead of myself.....

On being a big brother...

2006-08-24T10:06:00.000-04:00

I posted this elsewhere back in mid-June 2006 but it is still poignant to me and bears posting again here.

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I’ve always enjoyed being the oldest of four children, but this weekend was extra special as I got to spend a lot of quality time with my youngest brother. There is quite a large age distance between us (I’m 33, my next brother is 32, then my sister is 20 and the youngest brother is 19) and for reasons that are too detail-laden, I was not there for the younger ones growing up. I remembered them as wee ones, and the next thing I knew I was being introduced to two young adults who I hardly knew just a few short years ago. Once I reconnected with them, my sister and I bonded immediately, and she and I are good friends. My 32 year old brother and I have always been close, so it was the youngest one that concerned me.

Whenever we’ve seen each other at family events we’ve had a good time chit chatting, but we rarely, if ever, did anything outside those functions. I tried getting together with him a few times but for whatever reason there was we just never got together except for a handful of times, and then it was with our significant others. It wasn’t until a month or so ago that an opportunity came about that I knew I needed to pounce on. He had indicated he was looking to transfer to a school in Long Beach, CA to finish his degree and was very excited at the prospect of going to school in California. I told him that I’d take him to visit the school when his current semester was over, and he was ecstatic. Unfortunately, a few weeks later he found out the school didn’t offer the degree program he wanted, and he was crushed. Seeing an opportunity to be the good big brother, I told him I’d take him to California anyway. He was beside himself with happiness.

From the moment we got in the car to go to the airport until the time we got home, we had the most amazing time. He and I talked about everything and anything, something which I feared would be a problem but turned out to be the exact opposite. We landed in LA, picked up a convertible, and just drove. We stopped in Venice Beach, Santa Monica, drove up Pacific Coast Highway through Malibu and back, then through Beverly Hills and finally West Hollywood where we spent the weekend with a friend of mine. The next day we spent driving down to the beach communities of Orange County as he wanted to see Long Beach (where the school is) and we wound up wandering all the way down to Laguna Beach. There we hopped back on the highway and headed back to WeHo where we spent the evening with my friends and friends of theirs. He hit it off with all of them, and one of my friends dubbed him “Joey” because “he’s like a little kangaroo bouncing all around”. It was very cute and for the rest of the weekend, he was known as and introduced as Joey. Sunday was LA Pride, and I had warned him about it on the plane, and he said he’d be ok. You see, growing up in rural areas, even in New York, you don’t encounter too many gay people, if any, so his exposure to gays was limited pretty much to me and Nick, my partner. He had never seen drag queens, transsexuals, and the host of other types that populate our culture, and I wanted to make sure that he wouldn’t freak out and would be comfortable enough in the situation. We wound up missing the parade, but there were about 10 of us that made it over to the pride festival with Joey in tow. He fit right into the group as the token straight, and all of his “gay uncles” watched out for him and made him feel a part of the group. He took it all in and seemed relaxed and ok with his surroundings. Afterward we went back to a friend’s place where we partied some more and then collapsed from exhaustion.

We awoke yesterday and got ready for our trip home, stopped at the beach to get his girlfriend some sand (at her request) and headed to the airport. As we sat down on the plane, he said to me, “I had a great time, and I definitely learned a lot this weekend.” I asked him what he learned, and he said “I learned that a lot of what I perceived to be true about gays was wrong, and what I was taught both from family and friends was based on fear.” Throughout the entire weekend I had been giddy with joy at spending quality time with my little brother, but at that moment I was overwhelmed. I always try to set an example, not only for strangers but for family and friends as well for them to see a normal gay man in a normal gay relationship, but hearing him say that made me nearly cry tears of joy. We talked most of the way home, made plans to do something next weekend and when it came time to part ways, we hugged, said I love you, and meant it. I haven’t been this happy in a long time, and I’m so glad I got to connect with my youngest brother.

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Post Script: Anthony and I are very close now. He and I talk constantly, and get to see each other more often than before our "excellent adventure" in LA.

My newest toy

2006-08-22T14:35:00.000-04:00

That's my new baby -- a Strato Blue, 2006 Mazda 3s Touring Sedan. Five-speed manual transmission, 160hp 2.3L engine. Power windows/door locks, 6 speaker AM/FM/CD stereo system with Sirius Satellite Radio hookup. And a whole list of other features I could rattle off at you, but really, when it comes down to it, it's a sexy beast, ain't it?

I love it.

It's my first brand new car, so naturally I've been a freak about it. Driving everywhere just for the sake of driving, showing it off to anyone who will look. I've been to the gas station twice and each time I've gotten out to pump fuel I've strutted proudly around the vehicle, chest puffed out, a swagger in my step, as if to say, "that's right -- the car is MINE!" I never thought I could get so much joy out of owning a new vehicle before. My spirits have been exponentially lifted since I got it on 14 August. We have friends coming over this weekend and I can't wait to show it off to them!

I hope the feeling doesn't wear off too soon. I love the exhilaration.

We Now Return You To Our Regularly Scheduled Program...

2006-08-18T13:57:00.000-04:00

Well HELLS BELLS, I'm back.

After much poking and prodding, I'll try to be more frequent than eight months between entries. A nudge from a friend, a poke from my partner, and a giant cattle prod up the butt from Best Gay Blogs is forcing me to write once again.

It's been quite a wild ride these last eight months. Work meltdowns, family crises, deaths, depression....plenty o' crap to go around. However there have been several high points as well. Going to Florida with Nick for a one on one hoilday back in May was just the tonic we both needed. Taking my youngest brother Anthony to LA for a "brother bonding" weekend was by far, in the top 3 of 2006. Plans to move to a house next door to my dad and out of apartment hell is on the horizon, and then there's the new cars.

Nick needed a new one, so we got him a 2006 Mazda6. It sure is pretty, but while he was filling out the paperwork I felt the gravitational pull of another vehicle in the showroom. As I wandered toward it, it actually spoke to me.

"Michael, it is your DESTINY. BUY ME."

Forced to find out more, I sat in the car and immediately felt as if it were made for me. The cockpit felt as if it had been designed with me in mind. I had to have this car.

So after two days of thought I went back and bought it. A shiny new, strato blue 2006 Mazda3. I've never owned a brand new car before, so I am completely over the moon. It's sporty, fuel efficient, spacious and got great write-ups in most of the automobile trade magazines. The price was right, so I did it. If I had been handed my newborn child at that moment I don't know if I could've been happier than when the dealer handed me the keys. What an amazing feeling. And the new car smell!!!! How long does it take to go away? Can I bottle it and spray it back on?

Too many updates to make in just one entry, so I'll leave on that high note. I promise to be here at LEAST once a week from now on. I really will.

Hello stranger

2006-01-22T08:51:00.000-05:00

Wow, I hadn't realized it's been so long since I last updated this page. With the holidays being so crazy and now work having me in major overtime overdrive, it completely slipped my mind. So, here I sit on a lovely crisp and cool Sunday morning, looking out the sliding glass doors of my living room and staring at the perfectly blue sky, trying to encapsulate the last month or so into a blog entry that will not be as long as The Iliad.

Christmas Eve and Christmas day was a blur. We stopped at my dad's the morning of the 24th to see my brothers and sister, as well as my dad and stepmom. After lunch, we took the ferry from Orient Point to New London, CT to drive up to MA to see Zachary. On Christmas day we scooped up Zac, went to Nick's aunt's houseto visit his grandmother, then to another aunt's house, then to his mom's and finally to his dad's, all between 11am and 6pm. By 6pm we were wiped, and finally got back to Paula and Angela's house (lesbian friends of ours we usually stay with) and crashed.

New Years Eve we were complete slugs and just sat on the couch and watched Dick Clark slur in the new year on ABC. We were in bed by 12:30AM. God, for thirtysomething homos we sure are BO-RING! ;)

Ever since the New Year, work has been crazy for both of us. I've taken on some part time work as well (because I'm THAT much of a fucking masochist) from home doing work for a former employer on a contract basis. Add to that my normal day job has become a 10-11 hour a day workday, and you can see that I've not had much time to breathe much less type a blog. Nick has been busy too with his job, and he's been traveling quite a bit.

One good thing that has come out of 2006 so far is that I now have health benefits through Nick's company. They've finally decided to recognize domestic partnerships and grant partner benefits to their employees, which we are thrilled about. The bad thing is, the health insurance for domestic partners is much more expensive than for married couples. Something to do with tax laws, etc. but we have to pay tax on the total value of the insurance policy in addition to the actual insurance deduction from his paycheck. This, coupled with a few other changes to tax laws and his deductions, results in him taking home $400 less each month, a BIG dent in our finances. Hence, the part time job. I'm not complaining, mind you. I am glad to do it, but its definitely been an adjustment period.

I'm really looking forward to our ski trip in two weeks. We head off to Banff, in Canada and I'm really excited. Just as long as there are no injuries!

Parents acting as children

2005-12-14T20:50:00.000-05:00

My mom has always been a freak for being thin, and as such, has been on every diet known to man. She's doing quite well with Weight Watchers lately, and I'm glad she's on that because it forces her to eat three meals a day, something she's never done. She's also been exercising regularly, so I'm pleased that her health has been pretty good for a while now.

Yesterday she came to work and was pretty well banged up. She had cuts and bruises all up and down her right arm, and her right eye was slightly swollen. Apparently, she went flying off the treadmill and hit her head square on the floor. She had a headache (understandably) but also complained that her vision in her right eye was blurry. She also felt slightly nauseus.

Not good, mom.

We sent her home and asked her to make a doctor appointment to get checked out. She yessed us to death and went home (on her own -- she wouldn't let one of us drive her) and we told her to stay awake until late that night. Knowing she had a concussion, I pleaded with her to get checked out. She said she'd be back to work today.

This morning she called me at home to tell me she wouldn't be in, that her head was still pounding and that her vision was still blurred. Worried, I asked her again to go to the doctor, and she once again pushed me off. When I got to work, I called to check on her and asked her "if it were me, what would you do?" She of course answered, "tell you to go to the doctor."

She hasn't been to the doctor yet.

I'm really worried about her. Had she not had the head trauma I'd say it was nothing, but the blurred vision and constant headaches could be indicative of something more worrisome. Why is it that our parents sometimes act as the children, forcing you to do for them what they should do for themselves?

New job is the old job

2005-12-05T23:48:00.000-05:00

Back at the end of the summer I went job hunting to work in NYC once again, and to make more money. My job at the time was completely fine -- working for my mom's company gave me much latitude as far as what I did on a daily basis. But after two years I began thinking there was more out there, that I could be making a heluva lot more money, which at the time was quite appealing. After a brief search, I found what seemed to be the perfect job. Something that challenged me professionally. Something that paid me nearly double what I was making working for mom. Something that was back in NYC (even though I'd be commuting two hours each way.)

Boy was I wrong! The commute was horrid. Two hours EACH WAY. What was I thinking? The company, which initially I thought would be great, was actually not so great. I got no training, no support, and no direction. Even though the money was good, I was frustrated, tired, and saw things going progressively downhill. I wanted my mommy back.

When I left her company she left the door open for me to return whenever I wanted. Thinking it wouldn't be necessary, I thanked her but politely declined. Two months later, I was asking for my job back. Luckily, she was missing me too, not just because I'm her son, but because I did a lot more for her than she realized, and saw my value to be much higher than what she was previously paying me. We negotiated a bit, and came upon an equitable return package. Sure its not the crazy money I was making in Manhattan, but it's significantly more than what I was making with her before I left, and my job now encompasses a lot more diverse responsibilities, another bonus. AND, rather than a two hour each way commute, I'm back to driving 15 minutes to and from work.

Lesson learned. Money isn't always everything.

Oh brother, part deux

2005-11-15T20:53:00.000-05:00

So last Thursday my sister Maria calls me and invites me to the movies to see Jarhead with her and her boyfriend. Since Nick was out of town on business, and the fact that I can't pass up the opportunity to see Jake Gyllenhaal's ass, I met them at the theater.

Don't you wish you were on the set that day of filming?

Anyway, we get to the theater, and Maria says "did you hear the latest about Jim and Kat?"

"No", I cautiously replied.

She deadpans, "They're engaged."

I nearly soiled myself.

"What the fuck is wrong with him?" I shrieked in the middle of the lobby, not realizing how loud and queeny I just flamed out. As I toned it down, the disbelief settled in, and we both just shook our heads, wondering what the hell he's thinking (or not thinking, as it turns out.)

On Sunday Maria called me to go horseback riding with her (she has two horses and a pony -- she LOVES horses, and has loved them since she could crawl.) While out riding, she told me she finally met Kat. I asked her how it went, and she said she was really frosty to her. Apparently, when Maria showed up at the door Kat got jealous for some reason (my sister is stunningly gorgeous, so I could understand why, but FUCKING HELL -- it's his SISTER!!) She was sweet in front of Jim, but the moment he left the room she said to Maria, "umm, we were watching a show before you showed up, so, you can go shopping now."

BITCH, hold my earrings, hold my purse, and the Lee Press On nails are comin' off.

I couldn't believe this little twit spoke to my sister that way. Who the fuck does she think she is? All I know is, the moment she sasses me I will go up one side of her and down the other, and she won't know what hit her. And God, my brother -- thinking with his dick, always a bad thing to do.

Thanksgiving is 9 days away -- stay tuned for the fireworks. Not only will there be interesting conversations, but I'm sure grandma will make some off-handed comment that will make the table either erupt in laughter, or shrink back in embarrassment. Either way, it will make for the most fantastic blog entry to date.

Oh brother!

2005-11-07T13:46:00.000-05:00

My brother may be making a big mistake.

I love him to death, but sometimes I just want to beat him to death. He's divorced with two kids, and shortly after his divorce he began seeing this girl he met in Nicaragua. Can anyone smell a rebound relationship? Anyway, he began going down there monthly to see her, each time coming home telling me how great she is.

Fast forward to this past weekend.

I get a phonecall on Saturday from Managua. "Mike, can you get (insert girlfriend's name here) a ticket to come up to NY on Thursday?" Since I was in the car, I told him to email me the details, which he did. But he didn't include the date of her return. So I asked him when was she going back, and he said she wasn't.

*DANGER WILL ROBINSON....DANGER!!*

Apparently, he's sponsoring a visa for her to come here and live. When asked why he would do such a thing, he said her parents were trying to get her one but that it was taking too long. I asked him what the rush was, and he said he just wanted to get her here ASAP. I then inquired as to what she would be doing while she was here, and he said she was going to go to school.

Do you see where I'm going with all of this?

He said he was footing the bill. I laughed and said "WHY?" To which he started to give me a lame argument paralleling my relationship with Nick. It wasn't working.

I know my family is going to shit themselves when they see this chick for the first time. All I know is, Thanksgiving is going to be mighty interesting, that's for damned sure! AND, as the oldest brother it will be my duty and honor to take this chippie aside and give her the "if you take advantage of my brother and hurt him...." speech.

Picture This

2005-10-22T20:13:00.000-04:00

You had a really bad day at work. Hell, the entire week was utter crap. You worked 9-10 hour days five days straight, getting home after 8pm each night. Happy that it's Friday, all you want to do is come home, eat dinner and go to sleep, glad to not have to wake up at the ungodly hour you normally do Monday thru Friday.

Upon arrival at your doorstep you go to put the key in the lock of your front door when you notice a note stuck on the window. You peel it off, read it, and it says"

Quote:

After days like today, we simply deserve each other....

Intrigued, you unlock and open the door to find the house completely dark. Except there are candles lighting your way down the hall, with rose petals lying in a trail, and soft music playing in the background. Giddily, you follow the path to your second floor stairway, follow the path of candles and rose petals up where it leads to your bathroom. You walk through the doorway to find your partner in the tub filled with bubble bath and rose petals. Beside the tub are more candles, some grapes in a bowl, and your favorite drinks chilled on ice.

Smiling, you say hello and give your partner a tender kiss while he helps you out of your clothes and into the tub for a relaxing time. The warmth of the water and the scent of the rose petals immediately relax you, and the sight of your partner's smiling face make you forget about whatever was troubling you. You both sit in the tub, sharing cocktails and enjoying each other's company in a most romantic setting.

Me and my beautiful man in Malibu

After sufficient finger pruning, you leave the tub and the bathroom and move to the bedroom, where the bed is covered in rose petals, and candlelight softly illuminates the room. Your partner pours both of you a cup of warm white tea to further relax the two of you, and you both lie down on the bed. You then have the most amazing lovemaking session you've had in recent memory, and afterward bask in the afterglow and warm touch of the one person who makes you happy when all else seems like life is garbage. The evening ends with the two of you falling asleep side by side, smiling and glad to be alive.

That was my night last night. My partner Nick is one amazing man, and I am so lucky to have him in my life.

White men can't jump....but they sure can run

2005-10-20T13:18:00.000-04:00

I just don't get it. People running for the subway, people running for the commuter trains. Why? So they can beat the other people who are running and knock over a few hapless pedestrians along the way? And why is it that only the white folks that are running?

Commuting each day into NYC has definitely opened my eyes to a lot of things I took for granted before. When I lived in the city and took the subway daily I just went with the flow and scurried along like the rest of the 9 million worker bees. Now I just take my time, allow myself enough time to get from A to B without having to run, dodge and potentially knock over a grannie in the process.

But each day there are quite a few men and some women as well who are running through the subway stations and running in Penn Station to catch their LIRR, Amtrak or NJ Transit train. The funny thing is, it's always the white people running. Running to get down the stairway to get to the main station, running to the track to get downstairs to the commuter train, running to get that slice of pizza and a beer so they can then run to the train with a fistful of food in addition to their briefcase and laptop bag. Why are you running white people, why? You don't see the Blacks or Hispanics running. HELL, even the Asians don't run, and they're known for scurrying around like cockroaches. I know I know, that sounded racist but it's true. I have nothing against Asians, its just that they are really fierce when it comes to walking around Chinatown. Have you tried it?

So my milquetoast brethren, SLOW DOWN. Take a nice stroll. Leave work 5 minutes earlier so you don't have to run and knock into me with your goddamned briefcase, or plow into me from behind and nearly shove me down or up the staircase. Because one day I will turn around and queen out and bitchslap your ass!!

New Book Review -- Magical Thinking

2005-10-19T09:53:00.000-04:00

Augusten Burroughs has done it again. Magical Thinking is his latest collection of memoirs, this time from his late 20's and onward. Here we learn of his life in advertising, his desire to ditch it all and become a bona fide writer, the dating scene, as well as a collection of his daily observations. Once again he manages to entertain his readers with his wit, yet relate his experiences in a way that many can identify with.

I particularly enjoyed the chapters in which he describes his relationship with Dennis, his boyfriend. These are clearly two men in love, despite their differences. Despite his insecurities and flaws Dennis loves him for who he is, a point driven home in the chapter titled "Total Turnaround." An argument ensues over a seemingly inane incident, yet by the end of it Augusten realizes that what he's found in his boyfriend is true love. I smiled as I read this chapter, glad to see that one of my favorite, dysfunctional authors has found love.

As with Running With Scissors, Augusten Burroughs delves deep into his past to reveal more of himself, exposing his pink underbelly for all the world to see. Whether he writes his memoirs as a cathartic release or to make money off of his past, it doesn't matter to me; Augusten Burroughs is a wonderful writer, and I often find myself identifying with him throughout his books.

Happy birthday to my sweetie!

2005-10-14T12:13:00.000-04:00

Yesterday was my partner Nick's birthday. I so wanted to take the day off from work and spend it with him since he's been on vacation all week, but alas, I had to work. I felt really bad too but according to him he had a great day on his own. He had what I like to call a "me day" -- do a little shopping, putz around the house, take a nice long bath.....things I would have loved to have done with him.

I was able to scoot out of work a little early yesterday and surprised him by getting home a little early. We spent the night on the couch eating dinner, cuddling, and then going to bed for.......well, you know. I am always happy to come home and see his smiling face, and yesterday was even better than usual.

He's the best thing to have happened to me. He loves me despite my faults, is there for me when I need him, and is the one true love of my life. I couldn't imagine a more perfect fit for me.

Happy Birthday, my love.

Happy birthday to me!

2005-10-10T14:15:00.000-04:00

Yes boys and girls, children of all ages, today is my birthday. I am 33 years of age as of 2:10PM today. Funny, I don't feel a year older, but when I look back on pictures of me from three or four years ago, I see it. We all grow old, and its a fact of life we must all come to accept. I can honestly say that I've had a good life until now. I have a successful career, a family that loves me, a great circle of friends, and a partner in life to share my heart.

So where will the next 33 years take me? Hopefully on the same course that I'm on, with a few twists and turns to keep me on my toes. I look forward to my life with my beautiful partner Nick and building on what we have; continued success in my career; watching my younger brothers and sister turn into mature young adults, and having them as an integral part of my life; help to shape Zachary (our son) into a fine young man and be an example of a solid relationship; and to be able to somehow give back to the community, be it through financial means or volunteer work.

Oh yeah, we're going to the U2 concert at Madison Square Garden tonight! Yay for us!

Danger Will Robinson!!!

2005-10-06T22:30:00.000-04:00

So a well-timed news alert (the height of rush hour) came out today letting us know that there is a terror threat against the NYC Subway system. Yeah. Great. Just what I needed to hear. I have to take the subway each day to and from work, and I happen to plod through the three most busiest stations in NY -- Grand Central, Times Square, and Penn Station. how lucky am I?????

Nick called me from Chicago to let me know about this latest bit o' information, and I could sense the concern in his voice. I left work at 6:00PM to make my 6:21PM train home, and he told me to call him as soon as I cleared the tunnel on the LIRR. I did, and he seemed a bit relieved but I could still sense he was nervous. When I got home he called again to say goodnight, and his nerves turned to sleepiness, and I suspect he's in dreamland now, hopefully at peace.

As soon as I heard this news, I began to get shaky. I started to think to myself, "I travel through the busiest train stations in the system -- the chances of something happening in them are rather high." I started looking at people suspiciously, hoping that the guy with the carry-on suitcase wasn't packing explosives. I made eye contact with everyone I could, hoping they'd engage me as well and give me the signal I needed to believe they weren't dodgy. If one of them had looked away suspiciously, I would've either tackled them or screamed like a girl. Probably the latter.

Last month when I began commuting back into NYC for work Nick and I had a conversation about the possibility that something along the same lines as September 11 or worse could happen again, and what we would do in the event that we couldn't communicate when we were separated. We devised an emergency plan, which helped ease some of my fears, but not the fear that something actually might happen.

As I got home, I thought about the latest news, and considered the possibility that it's bullshit. Some news outlets said the warning was uncorroborated while others claimed it's a specific threat. I then thought back to the oil prices dropping like a stone this week, with analysts claiming it will fall into the $50 range next week. Today's news will surely prevent that. What if this is a bullshit threat conceived by our ever so caring administration, helping their oil cronies continue to line their pockets while keeping the fear factor high to rally support for their failed war in Iraq? Seems like it to me.

I don't know. I don't have inside information, nor do I claim to know if the threat is credible or not. All I do know is, I'm tired of living in fear. Why do people have to hate so much?

Losing My Virginity

2005-10-05T11:16:00.000-04:00

I'm reading Sir Richard Branson's autobiography at the moment and I have to tell you, I have a new found respect for the man. He didn't complete his high school education, never went to college, and built up the Virgin empire from scratch. His family didn't have money -- typical middle class English family -- and from his entrepeneurial beginnings at his magazine Student, he went on to build one of the most recognized brand names in the world.

Big toothy grin.

We've all heard about his publicity stunts and his zany antics like fly around the world in a balloon and crossing the Atlantic in a catamaran. Everyone has either heard about or saw his TV show on FOX "The Rebel Billionaire" and probably came to the same conclusion I did -- that Branson is a megalomaniac who would do anything for attention.

In reading his autobiography I've come to respect him for his entrepeneurial spirit and his desire to further his company. In his early years he had a few bad business dealings which taught him to always be on the up-and-up; he hates firing people; and rather than take the profit and pocket it, he reinvests the money into the Virgin Group to explore new business ventures or expand existing ones.

This is a man to admire. I wish I had the same spirit as he does, and had the balls to do what he did when he was young.

Holding the Man

2005-09-30T10:14:00.000-04:00

Two words: MUST READ

Holding the Man is an incredible autobiographical novel told by Timothy Conigrave. We meet Tim in high school in Melbourne, Australia and follow him throughout his formative years, discovering his sexuality and ultimately meeting the love of his life, John. We follow these two throughout their often strained, but never waivering relationship. Through separation at college, to weeks away on business, extra-relationship affairs, disapproving family and life-threatening illness we see both the flaws and the strengths these two men have.

Tim and John

What I love most about this book is that we see a gay couple who are unabashedly in love with each other, and don't give a toss as to what others think of their relationship. Their love radiates outward and shines on whomever they encounter. They have high and low points, but no matter what they encounter they always remain a couple. I think that is what struck me so much in reading this book. Far too often we see couples who go their separate ways rather than stay and fight for what they have. While disappointing each other several times in their years together, Tim and John always remained in each other's hearts.

I won't give away the ending of the book, but needless to say I was in tears for the last 10 pages. It was difficult to read, and I had become so attached to these people that I felt a loss when I was finished. The friends they made are truly blessed to have known them, and I felt myself wishing I knew them as well.

When I was done reading the book I crawled into bed and held my partner Nick tight, sobbing into a pillow. He asked me what was wrong, and I told him. He kissed me and drifted back to sleep, and at that moment I felt such an intense love for him that I didn't want to let go.

Anyone who is in love, has ever loved or who wants to read an amazing love story of two people who overcome life and death together MUST read this book. It will forever remain close to my heart, and a book I will re-read for many years to come.

mmmmm.......massage

2005-09-29T16:07:00.000-04:00

This weekend my man and I are getting massages. I can't wait!! There's nothing better than a good massage to reinvigorate your body and mind.

When we lived in Rhode Island, we were massage whores. We would go at least once every two weeks, sometimes weekly. Our massage therapist Matt at Heart In Hand Massage is THE most amazing masseuse EVER. He spoiled us rotten, and when we moved back to New York, the thing we lamented about the most was not getting our regularly scheduled dosage of massage.

About a year ago we stumbled upon this place in Port Jefferson called Bodywise. I had always planned on checking the place out and giving it a test run, but either finances or schedules always got in the way. Fortunately, the past few weeks have been relatively calm for us, and the cash flow situation has improved greatly now that I have my new job. So I called to make appointments for us this Saturday. The anticipation of lying naked (sheet covering the fleshy pink bits, of course) on someone's table while they work over my muscles is giving me goose bumps!

And no, we don't get "happy endings"!

Pardon me, did you get the license plate of the truck that ran me over?

2005-09-27T11:52:00.000-04:00

I am getting far too old to be drinking like a rock star.

Last Saturday Nick and I got it into our brains that it would be fun to get our neighbor Jim and go out to dinner then drinks afterward. A little background on Jim -- he's a 41 year-old gay man looking for love in all the wrong places. Or at the very least, finding it with weirdos. He's never really hung out with gay friends in a social setting -- he's either gone out with straight friends to straight bars (he's semi-closeted) or has met other gay guys through work, etc. So we've sorta taken him under our wing to introduce him to the wonderful world of gay bars, Fire Island, and having gay friends. He's a really nice guy once you get to know him, and has a lot to offer a potential mate, if only he can find someone who's not psychotic. Any takers?

Me, Jim, Nick

So anyway, we decide to go to Dave & Busters in Islandia for dinner, followed by the Bunk House in Sayville. Bunk House was having a theme night -- circus night -- complete with carnival-type games, decorations, and of course gay men. (Anywhere there is a gathering of gay men is sure to be a circus.)

The club started off slow, so we started drinking fast. That's what you do, right? Anyway, several alcohol-laden beverages later, and the club started hoppin. We were chatting most of the night, checking out guys for Jim when Nick started texting one of our friends in NJ. Jim and I danced a lot, then we got Nick to dance too, so we all danced the night away. Jim did a few circles around the floor, trying to spot prey, but alas, it wasn't his night. At about 2:30AM (where the hell DID the time go?) we decided to go home, drunk off our asses. Nick made us breakfast sandwiches and by 3:30AM we sent Jim on his way and we went to bed.

Unfortunately I had to wake up at 8:00AM on Sunday to meet my mom to help her out with some computer stuff at her office. Needless to say, I was a steaming pile of shit most of the morning, but eventually pulled out of it by the afternoon. I am not the twentysomething kid I used to be! I used to be able to go to work, go out afterward and drink 'til all hours of the morning, then sleep 2 hours and get up and do it all again with no problem. Now if I don't get my 7 hours sleep plus recuperation time, I'm done in for the entire day. Sucks getting old, doesn't it?

Oh well, we had fun, and will probably do it again sometime soon. Any takers for Jim?

Iceberg right ahead!

2005-09-26T11:50:00.000-04:00

I started a new job a few weeks ago, and from the first moments working there I've had an uneasy feeling about the company. My training (if you could call it training) was disorganized to say the least, and my subsequent deposit at my new office was hurried and unceremonious. Mind you, I wasn't expecting a parade, but at least take more than three minutes to introduce me not only to my new staff, but to the client I will be servicing as well. Add to that a less than warm reception by my new staff, and I am not a happy boy.

What to do? Good question. Stick it out and suffer, hoping things will get better? Perhaps. I'm not a quitter at all, and I hate to give up on something. But at what point do you realize things will not improve and move on? AND, where do you move on to? Such questions and ponderings have been plaguing my mind lately, and I need to figure out what to do.

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie that's amore!

2005-09-23T12:51:00.000-04:00

I'm in love. So much so it sometimes scares me. In my wildest dreams I never thought I'd find someone who I would love so deeply, and would love me equally in return. But, as fate would have it, I found it five years ago in my beautiful partner Nick.

(He's the hottie on the left)
Nick is the best thing that has ever happened to me, hands down. He's been there for me through countless numbers of personal crises, and always helps right my way when I'm feeling a bit rudderless. He's not judgmental, always compassionate, and supports me no matter what I decide to do with my life.

Nick and I met on PlanetOut in May 2000. We chatted online for a week or so then met for our first date on Monday, June 5, 2000. It was love at first sight. We had a wonderful dinner, both of us struggling to keep up the conversation as we were both so nervous and so enraptured by the other. The date ended with us in Central Park sitting on a bench at the south end of the Great Lawn and passionately making out for hours. The date ended with us both going to our respective apartments and looking forward to our next date. The rest, they say, is history.

I would be lying if I said we didn't have our share of problems, and we have, but the best part of our relationship is that we both will never give up on the other. We're committed to our lives together, and no matter what happens we always know we'll get through it together.

OK, enough gushy stuff. Time to get back to work!!!

Fingernails..........gone

2005-09-22T10:28:00.000-04:00

In between watching the season premiere of Lost my partner and I were flipping between ABC and CNN to watch the drama unfolding in California with jetBlue flight 292. HOLY COW! Talk about drama. I can't fathom what the passengers and crew were thinking while they were circling and ultimately landing. But thank the cosmos for the pilot and crew of that plane. It couldn't have been a better outcome! I hope they all get raises as they certainly deserve it.

The fact that it was happening on live TV left me asking the question "what if the landing didn't go as smoothly as possible? What if the plane had a tragic landing? Do we really need to see that on live TV?" It really calls into question the lengths journalists will go to get a story. Sure its newsworthy, but do we need to see the carnage? I'm all for freedom of press, but don't you think the press should regulate itself and report in a style that is responsible and informative?

Does this train go to Times Square?

2005-09-21T13:57:00.000-04:00

After a three year hiatus I have returned to work in the urban jungle known as New York City. It was daunting and exciting all at the same time -- having lived in Manhattan for a bunch of years, then move out to the 'burbs to live and work was quite a culture shock. But like all things I adjusted. Suburban life is actually quite nice -- hell, I grew up out in farm country on the east end of Long Island (yes, it really does exist out there!)

As much as I love NYC, there are things about it that don't appeal to my aging sensibilities. For instance, when I arrived in Penn Station that first morning I watched as all the busy worker bees buzzed around each other, pushing and shoving their way up stairwells, cutting each other off in the expansive arrivals hall, and fighting to be the first in line to go through the subway turnstiles. I thought to myself, "Dammit, I refuse to be that person again!" Well, fast forward two weeks and I AM that person again. And I hate it. I catch myself and then say, "hold back, Mikey. It's not worth it."

Last night as I was heading home I was stepping onto the subway when a crowd of people pushed in from behind me and I nearly toppled into passengers in front of me. Mind you, the doors weren't closing, it was just a bunch of unruly and impatient people trying to rush onto the train. After I gathered myself together once again, the train was full. I mean F U L L. Yet they were still trying to push their way in. After the train doors tried to close three or four times, and getting jostled, pushed and dirty looks I finally blurted out "Where the fuck are we, Tokyo???" I guess someone near the doors thought the same thing because the next thing I know, a guy is shoving another one off the train who was holding the doors. As the doors closed, the rest of the passengers clapped, and off we went.

I guess its a good thing for me to take a train home, after dealing with NYC businesspeople and subway nightmares, it's good to wind down the day before I get home. But I still miss my 15 minute commute.

All the leaves are brown

2005-09-20T22:32:00.000-04:00

This is my first official blog. I've logged entries here and there on another site, but not much substance or regularity to it. I've decided I shall try to be more "regular" in the hopes that it will allow me the opportunity to not bottle up my feelings. There will be humor, angst, love, happiness and sorrow filling this blog, so strap on your seatbelt 'cuz this roller coaster is going for a ride.

We begin with my depression. Yes, that's right, I think I may have a case of full-blown depression. Not physiological, but a case of deep doldrums. I don't know why I'm here in this place, but I have to tell you it really really sucks. And why am I depressed? I have a pretty damned good life with a new job where I make damn good money, I have a lovely home, a car, all the mod cons one could want, and a loving partner of five years. What is wrong with me?

When I'm like this I tend to get introspective and analyze myself and my life, but I always come to the same conclusion. I have it made, professionally and personally. AAARRRGGGHHH!!!!!

Well, this is a shitty first blog. I promise it won't be a glimpse of what's to come. I really do have good times in my life, which I will write about, but right now I want the earth to swallow me whole.